So I’m out and about in the morning darkness, doing what needs to be done. As is the norm, some piece of trash illuminated by a streetlight loomed just ahead and the bag almost opened itself to welcome the junk. I often mutter ‘Who throws this stuff away?’ but usually it’s in the form of a profane rhetorical question that is not answered.
Except for today.
My mind’s eye began to assemble a profile of the perps who are unthinking, stupid, environmentally inept and loutish. But those broad brush descriptions apply across the board. It was the other personality, physical and economic traits that I was interested in.
In the spirit of public service, my forensic work has constructed this narrow profile based on a number of factors:
Height: 3′ – 7′
Weight: 20 lbs – 400 lbs
Race: White, African American, Hispanic, Asian
Sexual orientation: Gay, straight, transgender, bisexual
IQ range: 10 – Mensa
Age: 2 – 91
Annual income: $250 – $10 million
Political affiliation: Democratic, Republican, independent, Tea Party
Choice of auto: ’64 Chevette – Mercedes 500 SL
Authorities now have something to build on. They can be on the watch for persons who fit this set of parameters. What could be easier? This should help our men and women in uniform to remove slobs and scufflaws from the roadways, allow law enforcement to levy hefty fines to rebuild the already massive war chest of funds to wage a continuing war on litter and let the rest of us breathe a little easier and relax a bit more on our walks.
There you have it. You read it here first. You’re welcome.