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Me? Profile people? …

So I’m out and about in the morning darkness, doing what needs to be done. As is the norm, some piece of trash illuminated by a streetlight loomed just ahead and the bag almost opened itself to welcome the junk. I often mutter ‘Who throws this stuff away?’ but usually it’s in the form of a profane rhetorical question that is not answered.

Except for today.

Based on my reasoning to build the profile of the typical litter loser, I'm not sure why I didn't pursue a career in law enforcement.

Based on my carefully reasoned and thoughtful approach to build the profile of the typical litter loser, you have to wonder why I didn’t pursue a career in law enforcement.

My mind’s eye began to assemble a profile of the perps who are unthinking, stupid, environmentally inept and loutish. But those broad brush descriptions apply across the board. It was the other personality, physical and economic traits that I was interested in.

In the spirit of public service, my forensic work has constructed this narrow profile based on a number of factors:

Height: 3′ – 7′

Weight: 20 lbs – 400 lbs

Race: White, African American, Hispanic, Asian

Sexual orientation: Gay, straight, transgender, bisexual

IQ range: 10 – Mensa

Age: 2 – 91

Annual income: $250 – $10 million

Political affiliation: Democratic, Republican, independent, Tea Party

Choice of auto: ’64 Chevette – Mercedes 500 SL

Authorities now have something to build on. They can be on the watch for persons who fit this set of parameters. What could be easier? This should help our men and women in uniform to remove slobs and scufflaws from the roadways, allow law enforcement to levy hefty fines to rebuild the already massive war chest of funds to wage a continuing war on litter and let the rest of us breathe a little easier and relax a bit more on our walks.

There you have it. You read it here first. You’re welcome.

About Dave Bradley (260 Articles)
I'm the one behind two totally unrelated blogs; one on 15 years of writing a weekly letter to my kids (plus other recipients), the other on my localized environmental responsibility. I'm a writer by trade and both endeavors are accepted practice for me. As for the letters, my adult children Ellen and Reid may have seen letters as corny at one point, but it's accepted practice for them, too, to find something in their mailbox other than bills and junk mail. Email and texting don't do a lot for me for a lot of different reasons. Snail mail has its place in the communicative world so as long as they keep selling stamps, I'm buying. As for 'Pick Up Your Path' and the environment, I advocate what citizens can do themselves to take a direct hand in their neighborhood environment. But Pick Up Your Path is also a general environmental blog. It may be largely about litter and trash, but both of those are just one element of the total environmental picture.

1 Comment on Me? Profile people? …

  1. Well said Dave and this started my Sunday morning off with a laugh. You can’t change the world but at least you keep trying:)

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