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Me? Profile people? …

So I’m out and about in the morning darkness, doing what needs to be done. As is the norm, some piece of trash illuminated by a streetlight loomed just ahead and the bag almost opened itself to welcome the junk. I often mutter ‘Who throws this stuff away?’ but usually it’s in the form of a profane rhetorical question that is not answered.

Except for today.

Based on my reasoning to build the profile of the typical litter loser, I'm not sure why I didn't pursue a career in law enforcement.

Based on my carefully reasoned and thoughtful approach to build the profile of the typical litter loser, you have to wonder why I didn’t pursue a career in law enforcement.

My mind’s eye began to assemble a profile of the perps who are unthinking, stupid, environmentally inept and loutish. But those broad brush descriptions apply across the board. It was the other personality, physical and economic traits that I was interested in.

In the spirit of public service, my forensic work has constructed this narrow profile based on a number of factors:

Height: 3′ – 7′

Weight: 20 lbs – 400 lbs

Race: White, African American, Hispanic, Asian

Sexual orientation: Gay, straight, transgender, bisexual

IQ range: 10 – Mensa

Age: 2 – 91

Annual income: $250 – $10 million

Political affiliation: Democratic, Republican, independent, Tea Party

Choice of auto: ’64 Chevette – Mercedes 500 SL

Authorities now have something to build on. They can be on the watch for persons who fit this set of parameters. What could be easier? This should help our men and women in uniform to remove slobs and scufflaws from the roadways, allow law enforcement to levy hefty fines to rebuild the already massive war chest of funds to wage a continuing war on litter and let the rest of us breathe a little easier and relax a bit more on our walks.

There you have it. You read it here first. You’re welcome.

About Dave Bradley (264 Articles)
I was a writer by trade so one would think letters would come easily for me. It is so now, but wasn't always that way. Indeed, the first letter was written the Monday after Ellen started her freshman year in college. For years I've wondered - with no good answers - why I swiveled my office chair toward my computer screen to fire up a word processing document for that first letter. I just don't know. I just did. Perhaps it was the angst of separation or wanting to say things that had gone unsaid at that moment when we parted ways in front of her college dormitory. What was a one-off became habitual. When her brother Reid enrolled in the same college, his name was added to the salutation line. They were kids then and are adults now. No matter. The letter writing habit remains so today. I live in Brevard, North Carolina. I'm well away from where they live and don't see them nearly as often as I'd like. That's why letters, at least to me, fill the void of distance. The pages give me something to say and the space to say it. There is no assurance they read the letters; indeed, I have never asked if they do so. With the pace of their busy lives who could blame them for letting a letter sit unopened? Over time, it has dawned on me that the letters are both communicative - and cathartic. By nature, letters are about the writer; the writer can only write about their situation. Perhaps that is as it should be. It's all about the here and now from one person's perspective.

1 Comment on Me? Profile people? …

  1. Well said Dave and this started my Sunday morning off with a laugh. You can’t change the world but at least you keep trying:)

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